so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
