I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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