I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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