im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
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