a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
