the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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