Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
