my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
