You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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