I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
