Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
