Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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