What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
