Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
