Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
