Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
