A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
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