Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
