Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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