You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
