i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
