Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
