Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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