Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
