Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
