guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
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My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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