ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
