i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
