she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
