Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
