Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
