She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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