did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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