You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
