Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
