I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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