U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
