he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
