my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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