I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
