Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
