I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
