I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
