he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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