well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
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