Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
