I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
