how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
