Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
