Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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