nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
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She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
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At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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