____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
