Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
