just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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