worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
