So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
