I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
