literally had 100 drinks last night.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
