ugly people sure do ruin things
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize