They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
